| Back at Home |
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| 01:26pm 01/04/2004 |
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mood:  exhausted music: Mono (life in mono)
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Well it finally happened....i moved out of the apt....the era of the 515s isfinally over....i was just outside,smoking a cigarette, and thinking abou the past 8 months. You know whats sad? I loved every minute of living htere, but i hated it ,more...everything about everything there was sickening...i loved the parties, but hated what came after...i loved the people but hated their drama...i loved my friends...but began to hate some of the poeple i lived with...i reflected for a while on the past 8 months and thought to myself...im going to miss it...one day...but not now...right now im just glad its over...im free for now...from stress, bills, all the drugs and alcohol constantly being around me...when i first moved there it wasnt like that...it seemed, well, almost like home...but then it became the party scene and it just sotra became a place to pass out after being totally wasted. I wish i didnt get evicted sometimes..because i think with a new set of roomies, well maybe we could have made it a little better, more clean, more like home...but the sad truth is...i couldnt pay bills anymore...and one of the people who could pay bills was the biggest cause of the filth and parties that were held there...and the other one who was paying bills was a ball scratching...dirty ass slob of a str8 man who did absolutely nothing to help out around the house...i miss how everything used to be...before the chaos...even when we were having big parties...in the beginning of it all it wasnt so nasty...its just the parties got bigger and more out of control...it almost brought a tear to my eye just a while ago when i thought aboutt he past 8 months...everything ive ever written in this journal aside form today took place in that apt. All the guys i liked, all the drama that happened, the extacy, the drunken "fun" the love we had for one another, the people ive met and encountered because of our socialyte atmosphere..and even the downfall and crumbling of our partying empire...from what i have seen...515 was the empire, and the parties were like that internal chaos that eventually brought it down...from within...we, in a sense were like the empire of rome...because even though we all seemed to like eachother it seemed like after the parties there was nothing but bad feelings and tension....i have learned alot...i know now what to do with my life and what not to do with it....no im not saying that all the things i mentioned above are going to be stricken from my life, but im no longer going to gorge myself in the extreme like i was doing for this better part of a year...ive learned alot spiritually, mentally, and physically about the world and about myself living out there on my own...but you know what? learning is like excercise...and ive exhausted myself to the point where, right now, i just want to sleep....sleep for along time...then when i wake up from my slumber i want to start things over... a little more knowledgable and a little more sober...i made a braclet a while back...and at the time i didnt know why i did it,...but with beaded letters i put on it the words "songare miserella" theyre italian and mean miserable dream...att he time the significance was just dark and me saying that all existence was a miserable dream...but now that im no longer a part of that atmosphere...i realized something....the past 8 months of my life were my "songare miserella" that was my personal hell...a constant party and the filth that followed...wallowing around in trash and fleas and stains from god knows what...ummm...im not sure exactly when i will write in here again...but i will one day...maybe when im dreaming again...but for now...im just glad im awake
walk in grace side by side with peace and faith
with all my deepest love
Christopher Michael Mattern
KrystoferRobyn
ShadowKat |
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| Damn it Im still here!!! |
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| 01:42pm 27/03/2004 |
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mood:  busy music: arabic stuff
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Why havent i moved yet? god damn i hate myself...i need to get my shit together fast...i was supposedly going to be out of here today...but it doesnt look like its going to happen...damn it!!!oh well..i have til wednesday to get all my stuff out of here....eli and vanessa better come up with something soon or im going back home....really this is getting old...why is it so hard to make a decision on whether or not to renew your lease for a few months? i mean come on!! Oh yeah just for the hell of it "HI MIGUEL STEPH BRI AND RAQUEL AND EZEKIEL if you guys are reading this....i hope to keep in contact with everyone...but i know thats less than likely to happen....most of the time i try to but it seems to never work out...im not being negative...im being realistic...but whatever its all peachie kean...i just cant wait you know? sigh...there are going to be some missed memories here for me...but most of them(and i mean MOST of them) i wont mid leaving in my past and never look back on them again...there are some people i no longer care to see....or be acquainted with...even some of my former roommates are no longer wanted in my life....living in apt 515 phase 1 of plaza de ville has let me come across alot of different people and types of people....everything was great at first...the diversity...the partying...the friendship...i dont know where it all changed....one day the party took over everything...emojean kraft i know this is your fault...but its ok...youre no longer a part of my life and neither is living inside the party....like i said before parties are great but living in one constantly...thats hell...my personal hell would be a constant party...damn im hungry...found some ice cream :)you know who i realized just now that i miss? i miss cody...cody where are u? why havent u called us? well me there isnt an us here anymore lol...th only one from the crew thats left in this place is me(mark doesnt count hes old!!) lol but yeah...well im oging to go finish cleaning my clothes and seeing what else needs to get done aroun |
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| 03:48pm 25/03/2004 |
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mood: exhausted music: drop in the ocean -michelle branch-
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Today...today for some reason when i woke up i was really happy....i dont know why....its cool though...in a few days ill be moving...but the thing is i have another choice to make...do i go with eli and vanessa? or do i go back home?
its a dilemma i didnt care to encounter...but i did of course...right now though im just happy...ive decided that im definately not moving in with joe and emmy...i realized that that would just be another party scene AGAIN and i cant live like that again...dont get me wrong i love the scene...but i dont know if i could stand to live it again...you know? well heres the thing...if i move with my parents...i have to change somethings....but if i move with eli and vanessa i wont...but theres the chance ill be poor again....but i dont know...am i ok with that? i have been for months...i dont know...this is my life uncommon -jewel- but its ok i think...i know ill be ok either way...personally i know what its like to be poor and i know i can make it either way...rich with mommy and daddy...or poor with my brother and sister
i dont know anymore,...has anyone noticed how much i dont know? or how many times i say that? well its shows u how i cant see my own future worth a crap...i can see anyone elses...i can look into peoples souls i can see their soulmates...but i cant see my own...it sux balls!!
I was also thinking about running away to the philippines and changing my name...but i dont know...i could become a filipino citizen again and just live therefor a while....but what if i get tired of it? or him? only a couple of people know who my him in the pfilippines is....and no richard it isnt that guy i was talking to yesterday on the internet....lol but yeah...i have quite a past i havent told ANYONE about...i dont know if even my family realizes whats happened in my past...my connection to the philippines is really strong because of it...i know some things that could potentially be dangerous
thats one reason that i want to stay in this country...im afraid of what will happen to us if we stay there too long....i hate running but my little legs just keep on moving....im never still anymore these days...what am i saying ive never been stilll...at least once every 4 yrs id move....now im moving twice within this year and i moved once last year....i was so a nomad in a past life....oh well whatever..its all peachie for now....well....im gonna go because i have some things to take care of and i have very little time to make a couple of MAJOR descisions....
out-
chris |
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| Moving on outta here!! |
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| 11:14pm 22/03/2004 |
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mood:  anxious music: massive attack
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Hopefully if everything works out i should be outta here by tomorrow!! i cant wait...dude i hope i can make it over there at joes...i still havent found a job but you know what? fast food is always a for sure job and i dont care enough about anything right now to have too much pride to not work there....but anywho...id ont care i just want to get the hell out of here and not end up at my parents house....but whatever...dude you know what? everythings peachie :)
out
chris |
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| just a day |
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| 12:33am 22/03/2004 |
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mood:  irritated music: NOTHING
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today was...a day...for some reason today ive been really irritable...dont know why...just have been...all day...dude vanessa got kicked out of her house...permanently thist ime...apparently her parents found outthat her and her brother had people over and that they were smoking weed and drinking beer...it was sad...i dont know i had a bad feeling aboutt oday ever since i woke up...i dont know...it was weird...then this happened...i have no idea where shes going to go right now...but she cant stay here which is sad...stupid mark and his fucking grudges....oh well soont hat will not be a problem....we will be out of this picture and in the picture of somewhere else...oh well...whatever....damn i still feel a tad bit irritared for some reason...i dont know...i just dont really like anything or anyone right at the moment...well damn i dont know...joe was just here a little bit ago and we were all talking about moving our stuff tomorrow or the next day...i really need to get the hell out of here....big time...i hate it here...the thing that i think may be irritating me is waiting more and more and knowing i could be doing something...or accomplishing something but no im here stuck in this hell hole apt. god damn it all!!!!!
out chris |
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| end of spring break |
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| 07:50pm 21/03/2004 |
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mood:  excited music: massive attack
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well its the last couple of days of spring break....well today is actually the last day but this entry is aboutt he last couple of days....well lets see....oh yesterday i rolled!! iwas so happy i havent rolled in weeks!!! and the day before that we got really HIGH and drunk....it was so great...the way i felt...the past couple of days have been a blast!!! We were all so fucked up...me richard angel and vanessa the four vamps of the northside....im so glad were all friends together...so little light sucha vast amount of darkness....oh yea today we went and watched angel get re-fanged...it was a thing of beauty...like a lion growing his mane to its full beautiful potential!!! sigh::: good days....cant wait to move either!! im so excited that im getting out of here!!! i really REALLY hope that joe asks me out...dude i found out he has kids and you know what i came to realize? i dont mind kids that much anymore...its so weird i used to hate them but now,....theyre not so bad...i dont know something is weird with me...maybe i have a fever...nope temp is fine....dialated pupils? no that was yesterday....lol damn i think im just destined to be a mother/father....wahtever id be called.... dont know
out-
chris |
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| Went out with emmy and now theres a light |
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| 08:52am 19/03/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative music: massive attack
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At the end of this dark tunnel i saw a light...last night joe invited me to move in with them...i just have to get a job...i really really need a job now....i cant pass this oportunity up you know? theres no way in hell im going to...i dont know why im up so early....i partied til about 6 this morning and its almost nine right now...its weird...i had a very disturbing dream again...it was about that place i think again...called the in between...except this time eveeryone came with me to help me out in ways i didnt think were possible...my sister in the dream died...i think symbolizing ill have to sacrifice someone or someting i dearly care for to come out victorious in this battle.....in this dream evil rose to a very high power and i had to choose whether or not to be on its side or against it...i chose for some reason to stand and fight against the evil...damn i think that means i am inherintly good...my friends were all there too...all of themfighting with me....it was 2012 of course and we were wonderful witht he things we could do to help people...but theres a very powerful thing in my dream that moves too quickly for any of us to catch kill or even see at times...we called it sin itself....the personification of all human and non human evils put together....we tried to fight sin itself in the dream....but i (who was the strongest in the dream) couldnt even beat it...this is when in my dream where my little sister tries and fight him while im down and loses here life in the process...seeing her die was what gave me the power to beat him...the thing is the inbetween area wasnt until the end of the dream....here is where i found out it doesnt just lead to hell...because we brought my sister there with our personal grim reaper carrying her soul, so that we could talk to her reassuring her that everything was going to be ok and that we would be there to keep her company soon enough....but she was definately going to what one would call a heaven...a heaven for the brave...for the self sacrifice...for our martyrs...this dream was REALLY vivid....too vivd to be a normal dream....what could it have been? a glimpse of the future? am i like in my past dream going to find what we call the in between? am i really going to be able to amass a whole group of people that have special abilities such as psychism telepathy magick both white and black and people who can physically fight as well? You know what? its not just a glimpse of the future....its whats happeneing now...ive realized that the in between has been found...i found it in my dreams and brought back stuff with me before....and those people...i already know them...theyre my "family" this is what really scares me because someone that close to me will die and someone that powerful is coming here...in 2012...that was my life that was my dream, and this is everything IN BETWEEN
out-
chris |
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| Oh what luck i have |
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| 03:36pm 18/03/2004 |
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mood: anxious music: tvs on
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Well guess my last entry about not getting evicted was wrong...the apartment managers called and told us we have til the end of the month to move...i think though that this is probably a blessing in disguise....this house was getting to all of us...well the ones that hadnt moved yet....i think that i might have to go back to my parents house...but i REALLY dont want to...but i might have to just because i dont really have a whole lot of other realistic options....Vanessa asked me to go with her and eli but i dont know...i dont have a job or a car, i dont have any extra money whatsoever, and i odn even know if eli wants me to live with them....god everything right now is as confusing as ever...theres nothing i can do to save us this time....this was our last chance...the best i could do was keep someone out of jail...but i couldnt save this place....not even if we were getting evicted, when emmy moved out we would have been basically fucked anyways...i really dont know what to do...there are actually about 3 options open to me and i havent had enough time to weigh out the pros and cons of any of them...it just sprang up on me out of no where....sigh...
out-
chris |
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| thinking on st patties day.... |
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| 02:20pm 17/03/2004 |
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mood:  sore music: COLD
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damn its saint patricks day...im sober and thinking....looks like a depressing day is ahead of me....i had this weird dream that my parents embarassed me horribly in front of the guys i like....they told me some stuff and said they thought EVERYONE should know....it was so aweful lol...but at the same time its sorta funny...anyway...ive been thinking about joe again...damn i thought i was over that already....but no of course not...chris the human seems to be over powering chris the cold hearted witch....sigh...and then theres nathan too...ive thought about him quite a few times today...actually i woke up thinking about the both of them because they were both in my dream...lol...dude i got pinched today like 5 times already...so i finally painted my nails green...anyway...i dont know really what to do about these damn guys...oh well ill see what the day brings me
out-
chris |
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| here at the house |
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| 11:20pm 16/03/2004 |
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mood:  high music: madonna
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hey again everyone...just here at the house chillin at the house...i think im basically going to be by myself sooner or later because everyone is either zoned out playing video games or about to go to a party so i dont know what im going to do...i really hate it here when im by myself because to tell the truth its a tad creepy...but yea...lets see what else? not alot is going on because everyone is stoned and is too zoned out to do anything really....including me...lol...but yea...i dontk now what my plans are for the night...right now im contimplating whether or not i should cut my hair...the thing iis its in that stage where its rather annoying to have but i know if i wait just a bit longer it will be back to how i want it....but its frustrating me...oh well enough of that. but yea,..damn waht to do tonight? i dont have money for jack shyte...and hopefully i wont be by myself but i probably will end up being that way...sigh |
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| party again |
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| 07:36pm 16/03/2004 |
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mood: high music: whatever joe is spinning
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yep yep here it is the start of another party...its cool though because before any drama could start i talked to people ahead of time and made sure no drama would come...so i think this party's going to be a little more chill and hopefully no cops will come....anyway...joes spinning and amanda and emmy are mc-ing...cody's here...drool...lol but yea and stephanie finally came back...thank god i thought she was dead...damn that dream thing i wrote about earlier...is still bothering me alittle but its ok...im high so its all peachy for the time being...happy me....go emmy on the mic over there!!!----> shes awesome...my little canabis queen...right now everythings cool...i didnt get to get that 50 dollars from my dad yet because i seemed to forget that he was at work...lol here i am as absent minded as normal....lol whatever im going to quit writing now and enjoy my night
out-
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| Austin and such... |
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| 03:45pm 16/03/2004 |
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mood:  weird music: were wathcing final destination
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hey everyone!! man yesterday was well...interesting...austin was great...i got some shoes and me vanessa angelus and richard hung out all day...were are so the four...its great...i think were all a lot closer after that...i dont know though...somehting weird happened on the way back....me and richard both fell asleep at the same time and then when we woke up we both saw something that we dreamt about a while ago....there was a dreeam about trains and tanks and bombs....well guess what we saw on the way back>? a train carrying tanks other military vehicles and there were also things that were covered up so we couldnt physically see them...but i have a feeling of what they were...anyway after that we all came here and were all just chillin...joe came over...and surprisingly enough i was ok with him...at first i really didnt talk to him much...but then for some reason we just reopened back up to eachother...god im all confused...oh yea and i had to deal with the cops last night because brendan vandalized some of the property when he was drunk...oh what fun....blah....hes not supposed to be here anymore but i dont know whats going to happen...hopefully we dont get evicted...id ont know what the cops did...maybe they forgot to report it? it is already about 4 in the afternoon...and the managers havent come by yet...so maybe theyre overlooking it...well i gtg...bye bye
out-
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| a good ol' time |
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| 04:22pm 14/03/2004 |
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mood:  loved music: HIM
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last night was fun....well at first it was a tad bit stressful...but it was worth it in the end definately...last night me and jj went to the saint and danced our asses off and got checked out by all these guys...and this little adorable lady got me drunk at the club....she was so cute....me and her danced a bit too...but anywho...then i went home and eveyone was here....and i met this guy named nathan...he was cute...meagan introduced us :) i think there could be a maybe in the relationship status of chris...hehehhehehe...but anywho...then i got drunker and a little high too thanx to angelus and vanessa...man i cant wait...tomorrow im going to got o austin...oh damn i forgot tonight joe comes back....sigh....i dont know what i should say to him....maybe i just wont talk to him at all...he doesnt seem worth my time anymore....i hate it when i find out stupid shit like that about people...its so unattractive
but anyway whatever...for now,.....i think im done...im hungry and i want a cig...
out-
chris |
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| Party last night |
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| 02:18pm 13/03/2004 |
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mood: crushed music: mono
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hey everyone!! yea we had another party last night...it was alot more chill than normal....it reminded me of the parties we had before all the chaos...i think its a sign that something good is bound to happen you know? Oh i found out some stuff last night about that guy joe that makes me a little less attracted to him....thank god because i felt pathetic crushing over someone like that....anyway....lets see...what else happened...oh i have been hanging out with angel alot lately....i love him alot...not in a boyfriend way either..not that id mind...but hes like closer to me than alot of people...we share alot of things...our secrets our deep desires and whatnot...but a relationship between us might ruin that you know? I dontknow anymore...what i want...or who i want...who is the right one for me? obviously not joe....shudder....and there are a couple of others that i thought would have been different but turned out to be disappointingly the same....too bad...oh well...gotta keep moving....oh my income tax check finally came in...i cant wait to not be able to use it on anything besides rent....blah....damn i owe alot of cash man....it sux....being poor....it has its good points i know...but damn its hard!!!!i need to get some cigs later...or maybe sooner....well im out for now.
out-
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| You Know Who You Are |
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| 06:51pm 12/03/2004 |
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mood: loved music: bjork
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This emotion inside that I feel,
For me in the past could not be real.
Why is it that i get butterflies,
Everytime i look into your eyes?
Oh my god could it be true,
That i may just be falling for you?
But I don't know, could this be,
Out of character, or really me?
Your colors are bright, proud and true,
Oh this feeling I'm going through,
It cuts my heart straight in half,
I want to cry, I want to laugh.
So many times I call your name,
and pray your heart is mine to claim,
You've claimed my heart, my mind, and soul,
Will you choose me? Its in your control.
Love me, hurt me, need me, crush me,
What you see fit so it shall be.
Let me walk on coals and embers,
If it will make of you a sender,
Of the same emotion I have for you,
No matter what we must go through.
Through sunshine and rain, feel for me,
Unlock my heart and my soul set free...
You know who you are.... |
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| No One Can Hold Me |
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| 05:20pm 11/03/2004 |
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mood:  creative music: Lady Tron
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Sometimes I think, why should I care,
When youre the cause of heartache and despair?
Why did I walk through fire for you,
After everything you put me through?
There's so much wrong with the things you did,
With the lies you told, the secrets you hid.
I shared everything about me that could possibly be told,
But you're still a secret, so much you withold.
We had one thing in commmon, we loved the bed.
But we had no heart connection, we should have never have said,
The things we said on that drunken night,
You said you loved me but it couldnt have been right,
Becasue the next day your words turned around,
and the words you said were buried in the ground,
I hate that we both confessed our love,
And seemingly as if cursed from above,
Only one of us had fire, the other had ice,
This happened to me before, in fact it was twice.
I dont know why i fell for this, once hten again,
To experience love, god how long has it been?
I don't know, I don't care,
I will become as the air,
I will always be here, but no one will own me,
Because with this knowledge, I am set free.
Free from the anger, the sadness and tears,
That i have had for so many years,
Never again will a man hold me tight,
Because like a bird i will take flight,
Away from love, from heartache and pain,
Away from teardrops that fall like rain,
Now I'm gone and you can see,
That without your love, my soul's set free... |
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| the in between.... |
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| 03:33pm 09/03/2004 |
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mood:  confused music: nelly furtado
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I had a dream last night that really bothered me....it was about this place in between earth and hell...they just called it the underground...it was weird....the entire place was like a giant seires of hallways with rooms at the end of each one of the halls...the thing is each room was someones personal hell...although in my dream everytime i looked in a room, they looked awesome...upon further inspection, i realized everyone in the rooms looked tired strung out and like they were dying...ok in my dream i found a way to get into this in between place even though i wasnt dead...oh and another thing aboutt his place....in the hallways....there were several demons in them....and if you couldnt make it to one of the rooms carefully or quickly enough....they attached themselves to you....this makes me think about some things im involved in...because i feel like something is attached to me....or something has been attached to me...im not sure....for some reason there were fish in my dream....and someone said that they were the captured souls of people who ive encountered...i dont know...it was a weird dream but i think it was so much more than that....something is here i think...
out-
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| The POPO came by |
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| 08:23pm 08/03/2004 |
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mood: hopeful music: theres something on tv
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yea so my fiend miranda is missing...and the police came by to talk to me and to make sure that we werent hiding her or something like that....i dont know where she is the last time i heard from her she was in balcones heights...lol that dumbass is going to get herself into alot of trouble later on...but yea...shes not aloud over here anymore and i left her a message on her cell phone to let her know everything that went down...and bri...shes still in live oak with dustin and her mom is looking for her ass too....damn why do we bring this on ourselves? i think in a past life i hid jews or something during the world war becasue i hide people all the damn time....its like my home has become a refuge for runaway kida and san antonios lost youth but yea...i dont know anymore about tommy...i really dont think its going to work...i should just tell him whats up you know? but the thing is hes so in love with me or at least he says that he is and i dont want to hurt him ya know?? god life is so confusing and tomorrow i think rent will be taken care of and whatnot...i had to call in a 200 dollar favor from someone who owes me big time.....hopefully everything will be ok...i htink after this month things will start to clear up....im going to sell my car for scrap hopefully get 300-500 for it....then im going to get my income tax check in and thats about 400 dollars...so things will be taken care of sooner not later....well whatever im done for now
out-
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| Bill Day |
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| 02:43pm 08/03/2004 |
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mood:  horny music: ladytron switchblade symphony and fischer spooner(go miguel)
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well well well finally the bills are going to get paid!! i cant wait...hopefully we can make a stop by the court house too to see if i have to go to court if i turn in the papers now or not...hopefully i wont have to go to court afterall...but you never know...maybe i can sweet talk the court clerk to give me another chance and to just let me turn it in right now...i dont know though...but whatever...either way im going to get this shit out of the way....then i have jury duty to worry about too...man when this is all out of the way...i think everything will be better...im glad that i dont need to find a job right away again...because im getting my income tax check and since my dad isnt going to do jack squat with my car ill sell it for scrap part and get some money out of it....sigh....damn im going to miss that car...but eh anyways...ive gotten by with out a car thusfar and cody actually said he wants to get me a car (a hearse none the less) so maybe that will come through and i wont have to worry about shit...and if all else fails i can go to the southside and get a car for 500 dollars!! lol but yea...the thing is most of those cars are stolen and whatnot but who cares...as long as im careful right? if it has stickers and shit im all good...damn my luck though....everything falls apart right under my feet...after i had what i thought was a pretty good foothold on the world....i need a new job...a new car...a new life....and to top it all off i need sex!!!
out-
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| yay mw!!! |
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| 02:03am 08/03/2004 |
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mood:  blah music: britney spears toxic
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you know whats great? im high right now :) everything today was sort just normal...tommy left finally and i dont know where we stand exactly...i dont know if i want to be with him after all...the hting is he doesnt seem like the type of person that seems like hes not the type of person whos in it for the long run...i dont care though...theres this guy joe that comes over here....hes pretty...and hes a dj so thats always a plus for parties...but you never k now...maybe someone else will be the one im looking for...and thee are a couple of people out there who are hardcore potentials...i can think of like 3 or 4 right now...but you never know maybe more will show up and end up in my life afterall...who knows i might have a harem...but whatever...love life is well sucky finances are sucky and well luck wise...if i didnt have bad luck i wouldnt have any at all....
out-
chris |
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angels_fall9's journal